Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Something I wrote

Some people expressed an interest in reading something I've written. Below is one of the few fictional pieces that I'm actually happy with. There are others, but this is the only one I will post, for now. I'm too tired to fix the formatting, unfortunately...

I MET A GIRL

I guess I have always had problems with women. That’s a typically male thing to say, I know, but it goes both ways. Any woman who claims to understand men is a liar. I’ve always been misunderstood, on some level. And I wouldn’t be surprised if women have problems with women as well, and men with men.

The whole man-woman thing has to be in a different league altogether, though. At least it is for me. Women are from Venus, men are from Mars, and all that crap. And no, I don’t live at home with my mother, and no, I don’t wear Star Trek uniforms all the time, and yes, I have a steady job, and no, it’s got nothing to do with computers. But all that is just a façade, attributes we think matter but that don’t, really. If you have a problem in your relationship and think you can solve it by changing jobs or something mundane like that, then the problem isn’t yours, but your partner’s.

Anyway. Now I’ve met this girl. She is a real looker, and I want to do things just right. Fix the problem, break the streak of no-hitters, to use a typically male term. That doesn’t even sound right. I hate sports. Not hunting though. That’s a man’s pastime. My uncle used to take me hunting when I was a kid. Taught me how to appreciate the skill required and the loneliness of it all. Just you and your prey. Still, that’s the whole damn point of hunting. Doing it alone.

So I have a date with her this weekend, and I don’t want to mess things up. I went shopping for it today. I’m a sucker for planning, and I basically had the activities for the weekend planned on Monday. Hell, I’ve been thinking about it almost two weeks. How could I not? She seems to be just the kind of girl I’ve been looking for, and I want to make the right impression. Get the proper “wow” effect.

So I went shopping. Two rolls of duct tape. Ten feet of half inch rope. A roll of plastic bags. A pack of latex gloves. A new hacksaw. She sure is a looker. I hope she’s a screamer too.

11 comments:

Sunkmamman/Cupcakes said...

GOSH!
Du fick mig att börja fundera lite...

Jesper Bylund said...

Wonderful! I was really surprised, was expecting an Emo ending.
More, give monkey moore!

Malin said...

Har läst denna förut och den är fenomenalt underbar!!

Eva said...

Jag har läst den tidigare och är fortfarande lika imponerad. Ljuvlig!

beardonaut said...

sunkmamman: På vadå?

Jesper: Ehmmm...an emo ending? Define please. And what about me says "emo"? It's the scars on my forearms, right? ;)

malin och eva: Tack oh tack.

Anders said...

Kinda knowing you and D, I SHOULD have seen that coming. But I did'nt. I guess that's a testament to the quality of the text :)

beardonaut said...

Great compliment. Thanks.

And I guess it's The Artist Formerly Known As Ondsaft I'm talking to here?

EGE said...

Yikes!

anders said...

Dont know about the artist part, but yes!

Elisabet said...

Greeejt! (using my Scottish accent 'cause it sounds so good with this word) Have read it before but I do believe that this version is new to me.

Onni said...

This is still one of my favorite texts on the internet. I just spent a few hours preparing for a date with my new lover. Ropes and whips are a big part of our games. So walking around the apartment with a smile, tinkering with my ropes I couldn't stop thinking about this text.

I just sent it to her.