Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sushi. Gesundheit.

The lady at the sushi place called me “strange” and “funny” today. All I wanted was to lose the avocado from the California rolls and replace it with egg. “It’s not a California roll then”, she said. So? They're my damn rolls.

Though that’s not what I said. I’m much too well-mannered. Instead, I watched as she stood there giggling, making my Flemingsberg rolls (now so named). Then another Japanese woman entered, ordered in their native tongue, and then they stood chatting while food was prepared.

(imagined dialogue after food had been ordered)
“Do you have any idea what the bearded gaijin ordered?”
“No. Do tell.”
“He wanted to replace the avocado in the rolls with [dramatic pause for effect]…egg.”
“[stunned silence]”
“I know. It’s [longer dramatic pause for more effect]…wrong.”
“We should report him.”
“Yes. I bet he is one of those uncultured people that dips his nigiri in the soy sauce rice first.”
“We should report that too.”
“Yes. Or pierce him with chop sticks.”
[pause as both Japanese women turn to look at me] (this actually happened)
“No. I will not have bloodshed in my restaurant.”
“True. We will send ninjas after him later.” (it’s a known fact that all conversations in Japanese mention ninjas. Or samurai. Or Godzilla. Or Akira Kurosawa)
“Excellent. Have them bring me his beard. I shall nail it to the wall as a trophy.”
“It shall be done, oh almighty sushi lady.”
“You serve well, unknown sushi buyer person. Here’s your food. Now go call your ninjas.”
“Hai.”

The end.

8 comments:

Linnea said...

Ok, I promise to never again comment on what part of the sushi - whatever kind - should be dipped first in the soya, o bearded one. Barricade your windows, that is their preferred way of entrance, isn't it? If you do dissapear however, I swear to search all the sushi places til I find one with a beard on the wall and avenge you.

Lady M said...

Hängde inte med riktigt men jag tror förstod det mesta..du får förklarar allt när vi ses ikväll!

beardonaut said...

Linnea: I'm not a sushi elitist, but I figure that sushi restaurant owners might be. There's so much etiquette around it, it boggles the mind.

And they tried to get in last night, but they were burned to a crisp by the massive heat wave that exploded from our apartment when they pried open the windows. Suckahs.

lady M: Ja! Vitlöksorgie! Hurra!

Joel Eklund said...

There should be an equivalence of Godwin's Law regarding ninjas.

beardonaut said...

Oh, excellent. Yes there should be. Let's invent one.

And frankly, this is precisely the kind of comment I expect from you. Keep them coming.

mistlur said...

*sjunger* it's called paranoooooiaaaa!

Linnea said...

Mistlur: Glad you said - or sung -it so we others didn't have to.

Joel Eklund said...

Also, why does the English wikipedia have a somewhat extensive article on Flemingsberg? What did Flemingsberg ever do to deserve such an honor? Who did it have to bribe?